Brown Girl in London

Why Go?

It is inevitable, to be asked this question. Even to ask it of myself. Why go to England? Why leave the security of Ontario, of all that I've known, to go to a country on the other side of the ocean? But first notice, please, that I didn't say "home" but "Ontario." Why did I do this? Isn't this my home?

Well, let's see, it has been. For all intents and purposes this is the only home I've ever known. I'm not talking about a 4-walled structure, but about that cozy, warm feeling one gets, supposedly, in the pit of the stomach - a happy feeling - when he or she is "home." But the problem with feelings is that they're not always the constant, never-wavering, intangible yet strong things we think they are. Sometimes they're fickle, and sometimes, like all living things, they change and die. So my feelings of "home" have now changed and died. I feel transient and pulled, lulled, dragged towards something else - something that happens to be England.

This does not mean that where I am right now isn't great - I have been well looked after these past few months by my wonderful sister and her family. "Looked after" because, for a while, that's what I needed. Overall, I'm happy being here, but what I'm talking about is something bigger.

Leading to ... England. The mother country. Practically speaking, this destination makes sense since I only speak English. I also have always found Britain interesting - I know that's lame but it's true.

I need to go because I want to live. I miss my reason for being here so much that it can be too painful to just think about, let alone let it sink inside me and take over, which it always does. This will stay, the pain, the hurt, the sadness, but I need to mix in some happiness and joy and adventure or I might as well give up now. I don't think living is striving always to "find something" - because then there is so much missed in that journey - and that's why I can't really answer the Why England? - because there is no answer. There is no pot-of-gold nor no freedom from grief at the end of this. I wrote earlier it's because I want to live, but, to be more accutate, it's because I want to want to live - in the most active sense of the word. I refuse to merely exist. So I'm going to England...

posted by RC @ 9:49 PM